Todays post is inspired by this surge of emotional energies I’m feeling for people in/out of my life. This one in particular is for my ex best friend , we were friends since high school and spent a great deal of our lives relating to each other, motivating, progressing, and dealing with life as we know it. Her birthday just passed, and instead of wanting to reach out to her, I wanted an outlet instead to talk about the relationship I had with her and the sudden drop in her friendship. Let’s call her R
R left an unforgettable image in my mind back when I didn’t know her and all that we had in common was a few mutual friends in middle school. She had blonde dreads and wore full on makeup including dramatic lashes everyday at school. This caught the attention of the principal who contacted her mother for the way she presented herself. It’s not a look I’d go for personally, but damn her confidence and determination to express herself was off the charts. It caught my attention for sure, as I was preoccupied with fitting in looks wise.
We didn’t become friends till sophomore of high school. First year of high school, I ate lunch with my sister. Second year, R joined me . As my love of makeup/material things grew, a bond grew between us as well. I had lost most friends from elementary after middle school L.I wasn’t really looking for another group to join, but her company was thoroughly enjoyed. Besides it seemed we both didn’t mind not fitting in.
We continued being friends when we both went to the same community college. She no longer lived 6 min away from me. Even though she lived an hour away and went to another community college, we still made time for each other. We would do normal girl things, shop together, eat, hookah, and go out together. She introduced me to new music, and almost never liked anything I played for her. Hold on! I want to say it really hurt my feelings when I played a song and she would just skip over it after determining she didn’t like it. Our relationship could be characterized (in my point of view) as one where she wore the pants. Obviously we’d agree to do certain things, but IDK she was very particular about things. And I never felt completely comfortable to talk to her about certain things.. like sex, or family issues ( because I didn’t feel like she’d understand). She’s a sensitive person but can be extremely uncaring at times.
One thing I appreciate about her a lot is that she continued to see my when I got my underage DUI and I couldn’t drive for a year. And something that I felt just as deeply about was that there were at least 3 moments in our friendship (during the summer for some odd reason) that she just stopped talking to me. I would have to be the one to initiate contact, to get the friendship back.I don’t remember the nitty gritty details just the feeling that our friendship was disposable to her. I met several of her friends throughout the years, and never had I disliked so many friends that were introduced to me by someone.
This leads me to the last straw that sealed the deal of our friendship. We were in Vegas with several of her roommates/friends. R had broken up with her bf of 4 years. She ended up dancing and taking down the # of a guy I had been dancing with. Granted I did move on to dance with other guys, I just feel like it is an unspoken rule that you don’t dance with guys your friends danced with. IF only that was the only thing she did, just that one stupid thing. He invites her to his suite, and dumb enough I went along, as did another friend that was with us. I was mortified as she and him danced in the living room right in front of us, canoodled, and R tried playing hard to get when it was pretty obvious what was happening. To make things even WORSE, R and the guy leaves the suite without saying anything ,with the door wide open @ 3 am in the morning. The other friend and I was fucking shocked. What kind of behavior is this?? We end up catching a taxi back to our hotel. IN the morning, I don’t speak to R . But I overheard her telling her roomies that this guy had a nice suite blah blah. And I just remember realizing I didn’t know who she was anymore. The same R that would pry my contacts out of my eyes while I was deep in sleep after a night out… I just didn’t recognize her. And if this was her all along, then I just didn’t know her well enough. She had transferred to UCSB and I to UCLA for our last 2 years so we were in diff places you could say 😛
I didn’t speak to her the whole morning till later on when we were driving back. I pretty much laid it on her, told her what I thought. She initially thought I wasn’t speaking to her because she came back so late to the hotel. Gross—why would I care about that? I also took this time (we have literally no confrontations in our relationship) to tell her that I feel like I walk on egg shells when I’m around her. I feel like I can’t speak my mind, and address issues in this relationship. I’m not sure who, but we called each other later on during the week and things were seemingly resolved. She admitted to not being the best friend in Vegas and I forgave her, I couldn’t’ care less about the guy, it’s about the principals. I thought everything was fine, but one thing she said didn’t sit well with me in our discussion. She said that “Real friends don’t make other friends feel bad, ever.” I don’t believe in this at all, this kind of thinking is what contributes to me walking on eggshells around her. Although previously she never said it, I always felt this around her. I was scared to fuck up around her because we would not be able to talk through any fuck ups, so we can’t have any fuck ups- — see the logic?
Anyways, after our last conversation on the phone I realized she had deleted me off all her social accounts the next day or whenever. When I saw this I just let go of this relationship, I couldn’t deal with the inflexibility, childishness, pretentiousness that is her. No amount of reasoning could have helped the situation at this point. I was tired of having a best friend whom I couldn’t be myself around. Who am I trying to be, who am I trying to please ? Did we both lose something maybe. Almost two years later I’m thinking for the better.
Cheers to being more true to ourselves, and letting go of what no longer serves us,